A heady aroma penetrated the night air, the smell made me gag and throw up my supper over the wharf.
“What in the hell is that smell? It smells like rotten fish mixed in with eggs, garlic and sweaty socks.”
Jack and the b’ys nearly spit out their beers laughing at me.
“That stink me dear is coming from the big hairy f**ker in the shed. You know the one that looks like Bigfoot?”
“Did he say what he wanted, Jack?”
“I don’t know. All I knows is that his been babbling something about phantoms, pranks and shaved beavers.”
I walk into the shed and indeed see a big hairy beast sitting on my new recliner and stealing a beer.
Welcome back, Phantom Bigfoot! Have a seat, as you can see my furniture has improved since you have been here last. I will not say where I got the Lazy Boy recliners, let’s just say there was an incident at Jack’s house.
“I do recall the particulars of that incident when last we met, Tina … the blame laid squarely on my shoulders and being the notorious prankster that I am I freely admit to acquiring said Lazy Boy.” Phantom Bigfoot flops in the chair and sticks his filthy feet on the crates that tried to resemble a coffee table.
“Before we get going….” Tina interrupts, “Don’t say another word … a beer or two or three, right?”
“You took the words right out of my mouth … go fetch!” Fsssshhhh! Glug glug glug! Burp! “Okey dokey my Bigfoot Babe … fire away.”
Thank you for coming, Phantom Bigfoot and for being so brave to come back here on the wharf again, so to reward you I am going to let you brag about your latest work.
“Being here is its own reward.”
Tina blushes as Phantom Bigfoot gives her a cheeky wink. Buuuuurp! “Sorry!”
I have seen Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again on your Facebook page, Goodreads page and bandied about the web on Twitter and events and I would love to pick it up, but before I do, could you tell me a little about it?
“Thanks Tina …” Fsssshhhh! Glug glug glug! Buuuurrrrppp! “I hope that wasn’t your beer, Tina?” Phantom Bigfoot crushes can in his big Bigfoot hand and tosses it at back of wharf.
“Ouch!” It hit one of the boys. “Well you see Tina, this clueless nerd, Duane Dexter, who has been the butt for school bullies ever since he can remember gets the shock of his life on his 18th birthday. He rushes to the bathroom early that fateful morning to see his father resembling a werewolf – all 7 hairy feet of him. His dad explains what he is – a WereBigfoot, genetically altered by aliens, who has been tasked with keeping Bigfoot safe from hunters ever since he was 18. Now it’s Duane’s turn and he takes to the job like a duck to water. There is a side effect to being a WereBigfoot and Guardian of the Forest – becoming Phantom Bigfoot and creating outrageous pranks on the local law enforcement.”
Wow, Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again sounds intriguing, is there a particular part of the story that you really enjoyed writing?
“I particularly liked how Duane’s other task set upon him by The Elders – Swedish-looking aliens from Abba, was to reunite Sheriff Louise Harper and her first love Agent Virgil Tuckerwood and get them hitched, Bigfoot style. This is where the story has the most fun as dumbass Duane tries his best to get these two lovers in the sack.”
May I ask who your favorite character(s) were?
“Duane Dexter is so me – or I wish I was him – super cool, super hero, super with the babes just super at everything he does especially pranking.”
With that in mind, I will give you this scenario. You have been banished from your hometown and are given two choices, where you would like to live for the rest of your days and which character from your latest novel would you like to take with you?
“It would have to be Big Beaver in the Shasta Cascade, where the beer flows free and the babes never say no – to a free dinner (what did you think I was going to say?) and with me I would have Teena, the sexiest of all Bigfoot Babes.”
I love the title of your new novel – Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again – may I ask how did you come up with the name?
“You can ask.” Phantom Bigfoot grins, “Just kidding … I love those Pink Panther films … the original ones and thought, let’s start the series with a title that implies there have been other books before, even though this is book #1 – oh and the title comes from a chapter in the book.”
It is a beautiful cover, who designed it? “Samantha Hensler and daughter of one of our own ASMSGers Randy Massey – I highly recommend her for her creativity and she’s not too heavy on the purse strings.”
What inspired the story line?
“Well I’m a romantic at heart and really believe Bigfoot is out there and thought why hasn’t Bigfoot been captured and the reason is obvious – he’s a WereBigfoot and can change into human form at will. My Bigfoot Babe is my inspiration and muse, but also Scooby Doo and Psych.”
Do you have any writing advice for new authors?
“Don’t stop writing, no matter how despondent you get with rejections. Think of a rejection as the act of the many mindless minions of mediocrity out there determined to keep us Indie authors in the dark.”
What is next for you Phantom Bigfoot?
“Well, Tina, book #2 is almost done and I already have a blogger extraordinaire willing to take me on an etrip – Phantom Bigfoot & The Vampettes from Venus ramps up the action and laughs to all time low in gross out humor Scooby Doo style. Book #3 will finish off the series sometime late summer with Phantom Bigfoot & The Haunted House.”
Please tell my audience five interesting facts about yourself.
“A gentleman never tells, hee!” Glug glug glug! Paaaarrrrpppp! “Ooops, wrong end!”
Phantom Bigfoot resuscitates Tina after she gets a whiff of his fart. “Sorry about that Tina … now then 5 things about little old me … Phantom Bigfoot is a shortie … he won prizes as a homebrew expert … I have more fossils in my home than I care to mention … I sat in a pub drinking real ale while covered in cow dung … and last but not least Phantom Bigfoot had a screenplay read by Gary Oldman and he loved it.”
Thank you again for taking the time out of your busy schedule to come and visit me again in my little shed. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and the quiet… you are always welcome!
“I’ll try not to let rip next time, Tina and thanks for the tasty beverages … they really got the lower motor going.” Mwah! I give you my best wishes!
Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again
By Simon Okill
Awkward teen prankster, Duane Dexter, would never have guessed how much his humdrum life would change in the space of 1 year. Since his 18th birthday he inherited more money than he could spend, won the hearts of Big Beaver’s women, is hero-worshiped by every kid in town, and all due to The Elders choosing him to be Guardian of the Forest. The alien Elders love their pets – hybrid creatures known as Bigfoot – and genetically alter Duane to take on this massive task as a WereBigfoot. Life is now perfect. Duane runs free in the forest with his hairy friends, listening to the creatures, understanding nature’s secrets with his altered 6th sense. To his astonishment, he can heal all wounds with a touch. But he can’t resist his prankster side, so he lets off steam by inflicting ludicrous pranks on the local Beaverites as Phantom Bigfoot, leaving curious evidence of Bigfoot in local bathrooms. Then in the blink of an eye, it all changes for our hero. To his dismay, a teenager with the same prankish ways disappears, rumoured to have been taken by Bigfoot. Can Duane keep the tribe of Bigfoot a secret and protect the forest as the authorities search for the missing teenager? Or will the alien Elders come to regret their choice of Protector and banish Duane from the forest forever without his superpowers? #Teen Humour #Urban Fantasy #Teen Romance #Action/Adventure
Paranormal author Simon Okill lives in a South Wales coastal town with his wife where he is currently writing about the crazy adventures of Phantom Bigfoot and his tribe of Bigfoot Babes. Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again is book one of a YA adventure series, Phantom Bigfoot Series, soon to be followed by Phantom Bigfoot & The Vampettes From Venus. Book 3 is a secret, so secret it hasn’t been written yet. Simon has also written several other books, all available on Amazon – Luna Sanguis and Luna Aeturnus, adult paranormal.
WIPs: Phantom Bigfoot Episode 2 – Phantom Bigfoot & The Vampettes from Venus is due out in Spring and follows more hilarious adventures of the Phantom Bigfoot. Phantom Bigfoot Episode 3 – Phantom Bigfoot & The Haunted House is due out in Summer. Synopsis: Welcome to Big Beaver, home of the Phantom Bigfoot Bather and his many crazy teenage friends. Phantom Bigfoot Strikes Again is a ludicrously different take on Bigfoot and his habits. It quickly dispels the Hollywood b-movie version of a cannibalistic female-ravaging monster. Big Beaver’s tribe of Bigfoot is so peace-loving they sadly make easy targets for hunters. This is where Duane-o the no-brain-o comes in. At the age of 18, Sam, his father reveals the truth of their hermit-like existence in the woods of the Shasta Cascade surrounding Big Beaver. Sam hands over the task of The Guardian to his son, also genetically altered by The Elders, tall Swedish-looking aliens from the planet Abba. And now for one whole year, Duane has lived the life he was always meant to live – free of normal drag-me-downs that every other teenager has to endure. He has the ability to see and hear what his close friends are doing, no matter how far away they may be. He can heal with the touch of his hands, and uses this ability many times to save injured animals and the reason for his existence – Bigfoot. But most of all, Duane loves being a WereBigfoot, to run free in the dark forest at night, play with the animals and have such fun – until that dumbass Beau Bruger, a teenage friend of his, goes missing. Things get real tricky for our superhero, Duane-o, when Beau, the plumber’s 17 year old son goes missing, apparently abducted by Bigfoot. As if! Beau is always saying he’s been taken by Bigfoot, so no one believes he’s missing, not even his parents. 2 days pass and Duane smells a rat and she is Zola, a naughty 16 year old Bigfoot desperate for a mate. This means his closest friend, MB, local crypto-zoologist and general busybody will be sniffing around with his big nose looking for that elusive evidence – Bigfoot! To make matters worse, Duane must also reunite two star-crossed lovers – the gorgeous Sheriff Louise Harper and the anal FBI Agent Virgil Tuckerwood. This he has to do on orders of The Elders. But on his arrival in Big Beaver, Agent Tuckerwood is all regulation and spurns Lou’s advances. Lou thinks Virgil is having a fling with his partner, the sexy Agent Merlot as she overhears them getting it on. Poor Duane is at a loss how to get them hitched, but he must succeed or The Elders might take this as a weakness on his part. Now Duane-o has to keep the FBI and Sheriff Lou from discovering his epic secret. So he must find Beau first and keep him from revealing the truth of Bigfoot. But what Duane does discover deep in the forest is so mind-bogglingly stupid, even he can’t fix the problem.
So Duane must rely on dumb luck and the wisdom of The Elders to keep his secret a secret or he will be stripped of his superpowers and remain in Big Beaver a normal human being like every other Beaverite. Not that there are any normal Beaverites.
Excerpt: Not long after that it was Duane’s eighteenth birthday, and he had the shock of his life, just after his mother had left. He woke up from a night of weird visions chasing ape-like creatures in the forest. As usual he had to use the toilet. He burst into the bathroom and came to a stop. Before him, stood a Bigfoot as naked as a jaybird, but not naked. The creature was covered head to toe in long blond hair and was at least seven feet tall. As he stared at the Bigfoot he recognized his father’s facial features. “Dad … is that you?” “Hello Duane … I guess it’s time I explained some things.” He laid a hand on Duane’s trembling shoulder. “I’ve been The Guardian of the forest for too long now and it’s time to join my new family.” He smiled big yellow teeth. “What’s happened to you, Dad?” Duane thought of the film Teenwolf. “Are you a werewolf?” Sam laughed. “No Duane … I’m a WereBigfoot … not a true Bigfoot and not exactly human. I was chosen by The Elders, as many before have, to help our tribe stay a secret and to stop their gene pool from drying up.” “Chosen?” “Yes, son, chosen by the lights up at The Big X. They took me to the place I can never remember, but that’s not important … what is … is you, my son … you must continue to protect the forest and its secret.” “What secret, Dad?” “The Bigfoot! They must never be discovered … don’t ask me why … The Elders have never thought fit to tell me … but it’s real important … but I gotta go now, Duane.” Sam shuddered and trembled. “The forest is calling me.” Duane heard strange animal sounds echoing through the woods. “Woooo … wooooo … woooooo.” “Am I going to change too, Dad?” “Yes son, you are The Guardian now. The lights will tell you what to do … and your sixth sense will come in handy.” “Sixth sense … like in the movie?” “Not exactly, Duane …do you remember the lights?” “You mean that time I was spying on Virgil and Lou at Little Beaver and I saw the lights? Not long after that Virgil left,” he added as an afterthought. “You got it in one, Duane. They chose you way back then. In the pantry is some weird-tasting stuff … fermented Jooobaaa … drink it all … but not at once … it helps prepare the way. If you like you can water it down with some OJ and limejuice, makes a great cocktail. It won’t diminish its unique qualities.” “Eh, okay Dad. Will I see you again?” “Yeah … I’ll be dropping by now and again to see how you’re doing.” Sam kissed Duane’s cheek and dashed from the log cabin howling like a howler monkey.
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